Thank you. I do wish I had the ability to send her to a new school, but we would have to pay tuition to do so and that’s just not financially feasible right now. The only alternative we currently have is online enrollment but I worry that might be too isolating for her. I hope she won't see it as turna blind eye. I was transparent in explaining my reasoning to her.
I read about your daughter's struggle with a broken heart. I've been in your situation with my youngest child, now 21. I did pull her out of school. There is not one right path, as society preaches. There can be many alternative paths to education and adulthood. I truly feel like your child’s happiness and mental health is the most important thing. And if those aren't prioritized, what can suffer are grades, self esteem, family relationships, etc. I feel like our kids need to know that they can count on us for help and protection, and to take their feelings and concerns seriously. I don't think she is overreacting, and it sounds like you don’t either, and maybe just need someone to say it's ok to let her do online learning instead.
Thank you so much for all of that information. Truthfully, it’s not as cut and dry as just needing someone to tell me it’s ok. If it was that simple, I’d have done it by now… or at least started looking at what programs are available in our area. The school she is in, while it’s a public school, is highly ranked and our older kids got an amazing education there. I was in her position at that age and wanted my mom to pull me out of the school and she brushed off my worries. My husband needs more convincing… he doesn’t care for the idea at all. He isn’t very sensitive and I don't think he completely grasps how hard it can be for girls her age. Boys don’t have the drama that girls do and he was popular and athletic which makes it even more difficult for him to understand. I’m going to start doing more research on the online programs in our area and go from there.
You also mentioned social interactions- homeschooling and online schools are so popular now, that there are dozens of homeschool groups for all ages, purely social, athletics, special interests, etc. Plus parks and rec activities in most cities, camps, scouting, sports, church groups, soooo many ways she can socialize. And our online schools did have online social activities too.
I’m going to vote for online school. My kids are in online schools and they love it. We have lots of well adjusted friends and a vibrant social life on weekends with those friends. I’m not in favor of all the internet learning for my boys so I do a mix of online and portfolio options. They keep learning and have more time to read and do music and sports. Your daughter might be willing to try again socially when the options are different. Don’t force her to stay in a bad situation.
Since the school year is almost over, you can pull her at any time and not feel pressured to start anything else until next fall. She will be ok in every scholastic way. If she wants she can keep up with math on khan academy and she might even like it better.
My eldest daughter, a sensitive and empathetic person, was shunned by her female friend group. By seventh grade her older cousin had taught her the Magic card game that was the rage back in her middle school years. She brought her cards into school and asked the boys in her class if she could join their lunch time games. They agreed. She never looked back. She had a new welcoming friend group. Middle school years can be brutal.
I don’t have personal insight to share, but my heart broke for you and your daughter as I read this. I am sending you my best, and know that whatever decision you land on will be one you and her navigate together!
Since the quarter changed, she has different people in her lunch period and in some of her classes and she has been in better spirits. I’m hoping that her last quarter will be stable. Then we will have the summer to figure things out.🩷
Middle school was horrible for me, too. The only problem I see with online school is that people tend to say things online that they wouldn’t say in person. If bullying is bad at school, it could be worse online, unless her social media and online school socialization is limited or monitored.
Either way, I hope she gets through the remainder of the year without issue. Perhaps summer will bring a respite from the cliques and catty behavior.
Oh, Tirzah, my heart aches for you and your daughter. That’s such a rough stage of life. Keep being there for her and let others be there for you. She’s learning a painful lesson but she’ll come out of it a kinder, more compassionate, wiser young woman with your support. 💚
This week has been a little bit better. The quarter just switched, so she has new classes with different people. I’m hoping she can finish the year on a positive note.
She is such a sensitive child. I understand what she's going through because I went through it, but it’s much harder as a parent, seeing your child hurting. My oldest daughter had her share of drama in school but she is very type-A and handled everything so differently, My oldest kid is a boy. He had no drama. He is 24 and has the same friends since we moved here when he was 6.
I think what matters is not what you tell her to do but the fact that you provide her a shoulder to cry on. In 10 years, the only thing she'll remember is that her mom cared.
Same exact scenario happened with my granddaughter with her viola partner in strings group. All the same resistance from her to keep her mother from interfering. Finally my daughter in law called the other parent. They talked with the suggestion of talking to her daughter. The cold shouldering stopped. We praised my granddaughter for being true to herself and acknowledging her intuition and boundaries. One year later they have sleepovers. The other girl apologized and said the other girls were egging her on and she didn’t know how to resist their pressure.
I truly hope it blows over as easily. I am trying to choose my words very carefully with her because when experienced these fallouts at her age, my mother probably meant well but her way of supporting was to say this person or that person was a brat—sometimes she would even attack the child’s physical features—like she was tearing them down in attempt to build me up. When the friend and I did eventually work through it, she continued to remind me “this person is not a good friend.” It didn’t foster a good relationship between my mother and I. It just became another (of many) reasons I shut her out and hid things from her.
I do let my daughter know that this friend’s behavior is not okay, but I also remind her that we all mature at different rates and it’s possible the friend will outgrow the mean girl behaviors.
That way if they patch things up, my daughter hopefully won’t feel that I disapprove of her friendship. I want her to be a kind and forgiving person but not let people treat her as a doormat, either. It can be a pretty fine line and it’s hard to know sometimes if I’m making the right parenting choices when I grew up with a parent who didn’t always model ideal behaviors and actions.
I don’t have kids, but when I was around your daughter’s age, I was the victim of severe bullying during a summer at sleepaway camp. But the difference is that you’re noticing and caring, while my mother turned a deaf ear to my begging to come home, and that summer changed me at a DNA level. I don’t have a solution, really, but I wouldn’t necessarily discount switching schools. I feel like there’s a fine line between a character-building opportunity to learn resilience and a traumatic experience. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. Good on you for paying attention and caring enough to ask these questions. She’s a lucky kiddo to have you. And I’m sorry if my comment is triggering or overwrought; please delete if so!
Such a hard age there is a movie from early 2000 called 13 with holly hunter when my daughter was 13 we watched it together it was a bonding experience
I think middle school is awful for every girl that’s not at the top of the food chain. I was like your daughter. I didn’t want any part of the tweenage girl mind games. Boys that age aren’t the most mature but they didn’t gossip or decide on a whim that someone was no longer welcome at their lunch table. They weren’t fake.
Thank you. I do wish I had the ability to send her to a new school, but we would have to pay tuition to do so and that’s just not financially feasible right now. The only alternative we currently have is online enrollment but I worry that might be too isolating for her. I hope she won't see it as turna blind eye. I was transparent in explaining my reasoning to her.
Oh I can tell you now, she knows you’re definitely not turning a blind eye. I love the idea of online school!
Tirzah,
I read about your daughter's struggle with a broken heart. I've been in your situation with my youngest child, now 21. I did pull her out of school. There is not one right path, as society preaches. There can be many alternative paths to education and adulthood. I truly feel like your child’s happiness and mental health is the most important thing. And if those aren't prioritized, what can suffer are grades, self esteem, family relationships, etc. I feel like our kids need to know that they can count on us for help and protection, and to take their feelings and concerns seriously. I don't think she is overreacting, and it sounds like you don’t either, and maybe just need someone to say it's ok to let her do online learning instead.
Thank you so much for all of that information. Truthfully, it’s not as cut and dry as just needing someone to tell me it’s ok. If it was that simple, I’d have done it by now… or at least started looking at what programs are available in our area. The school she is in, while it’s a public school, is highly ranked and our older kids got an amazing education there. I was in her position at that age and wanted my mom to pull me out of the school and she brushed off my worries. My husband needs more convincing… he doesn’t care for the idea at all. He isn’t very sensitive and I don't think he completely grasps how hard it can be for girls her age. Boys don’t have the drama that girls do and he was popular and athletic which makes it even more difficult for him to understand. I’m going to start doing more research on the online programs in our area and go from there.
You also mentioned social interactions- homeschooling and online schools are so popular now, that there are dozens of homeschool groups for all ages, purely social, athletics, special interests, etc. Plus parks and rec activities in most cities, camps, scouting, sports, church groups, soooo many ways she can socialize. And our online schools did have online social activities too.
I’m going to vote for online school. My kids are in online schools and they love it. We have lots of well adjusted friends and a vibrant social life on weekends with those friends. I’m not in favor of all the internet learning for my boys so I do a mix of online and portfolio options. They keep learning and have more time to read and do music and sports. Your daughter might be willing to try again socially when the options are different. Don’t force her to stay in a bad situation.
Thank you for that insight—it does make me feel better and we definitely haven't ruled it out.
Since the school year is almost over, you can pull her at any time and not feel pressured to start anything else until next fall. She will be ok in every scholastic way. If she wants she can keep up with math on khan academy and she might even like it better.
My eldest daughter, a sensitive and empathetic person, was shunned by her female friend group. By seventh grade her older cousin had taught her the Magic card game that was the rage back in her middle school years. She brought her cards into school and asked the boys in her class if she could join their lunch time games. They agreed. She never looked back. She had a new welcoming friend group. Middle school years can be brutal.
I don’t have personal insight to share, but my heart broke for you and your daughter as I read this. I am sending you my best, and know that whatever decision you land on will be one you and her navigate together!
Thank you so much, Taylor!
Since the quarter changed, she has different people in her lunch period and in some of her classes and she has been in better spirits. I’m hoping that her last quarter will be stable. Then we will have the summer to figure things out.🩷
Middle school was horrible for me, too. The only problem I see with online school is that people tend to say things online that they wouldn’t say in person. If bullying is bad at school, it could be worse online, unless her social media and online school socialization is limited or monitored.
Either way, I hope she gets through the remainder of the year without issue. Perhaps summer will bring a respite from the cliques and catty behavior.
I didn’t even think about the possibility of cyber bullying. I truly wish I could afford to stay home and teach her or at least be there to monitor.
Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.🩵
Oh, Tirzah, my heart aches for you and your daughter. That’s such a rough stage of life. Keep being there for her and let others be there for you. She’s learning a painful lesson but she’ll come out of it a kinder, more compassionate, wiser young woman with your support. 💚
Thank you, Lori🩷
This week has been a little bit better. The quarter just switched, so she has new classes with different people. I’m hoping she can finish the year on a positive note.
She is such a sensitive child. I understand what she's going through because I went through it, but it’s much harder as a parent, seeing your child hurting. My oldest daughter had her share of drama in school but she is very type-A and handled everything so differently, My oldest kid is a boy. He had no drama. He is 24 and has the same friends since we moved here when he was 6.
I think what matters is not what you tell her to do but the fact that you provide her a shoulder to cry on. In 10 years, the only thing she'll remember is that her mom cared.
Thank you, Moorea🩷
Do students enrolled in online school programs engage and interact with eachother through chats/facetime? Or is it mostly solo learning?
Hey @The Sensitive Artist, I taught for the Connections Academy chain. It's mostly solo homework, but there's chat and Facetime-like activities too.
PS I taught at an online school for 6 years if you run into any questions.
Same exact scenario happened with my granddaughter with her viola partner in strings group. All the same resistance from her to keep her mother from interfering. Finally my daughter in law called the other parent. They talked with the suggestion of talking to her daughter. The cold shouldering stopped. We praised my granddaughter for being true to herself and acknowledging her intuition and boundaries. One year later they have sleepovers. The other girl apologized and said the other girls were egging her on and she didn’t know how to resist their pressure.
I truly hope it blows over as easily. I am trying to choose my words very carefully with her because when experienced these fallouts at her age, my mother probably meant well but her way of supporting was to say this person or that person was a brat—sometimes she would even attack the child’s physical features—like she was tearing them down in attempt to build me up. When the friend and I did eventually work through it, she continued to remind me “this person is not a good friend.” It didn’t foster a good relationship between my mother and I. It just became another (of many) reasons I shut her out and hid things from her.
I do let my daughter know that this friend’s behavior is not okay, but I also remind her that we all mature at different rates and it’s possible the friend will outgrow the mean girl behaviors.
That way if they patch things up, my daughter hopefully won’t feel that I disapprove of her friendship. I want her to be a kind and forgiving person but not let people treat her as a doormat, either. It can be a pretty fine line and it’s hard to know sometimes if I’m making the right parenting choices when I grew up with a parent who didn’t always model ideal behaviors and actions.
🙏💕🙏
I don’t have kids, but when I was around your daughter’s age, I was the victim of severe bullying during a summer at sleepaway camp. But the difference is that you’re noticing and caring, while my mother turned a deaf ear to my begging to come home, and that summer changed me at a DNA level. I don’t have a solution, really, but I wouldn’t necessarily discount switching schools. I feel like there’s a fine line between a character-building opportunity to learn resilience and a traumatic experience. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. Good on you for paying attention and caring enough to ask these questions. She’s a lucky kiddo to have you. And I’m sorry if my comment is triggering or overwrought; please delete if so!
Such a hard age there is a movie from early 2000 called 13 with holly hunter when my daughter was 13 we watched it together it was a bonding experience
I remember this movie! That's a great idea!!🩷
I think middle school is awful for every girl that’s not at the top of the food chain. I was like your daughter. I didn’t want any part of the tweenage girl mind games. Boys that age aren’t the most mature but they didn’t gossip or decide on a whim that someone was no longer welcome at their lunch table. They weren’t fake.